Thursday, February 11, 2010

Life after the pain

Cho KuLit  (nobody else can sing you a song the way i do! u'll gonna miss me! haha)

Love & Pain & The Whole Damn ThingI find myself with a feeling I could hardly understand. There were so many things I want to say but I end up being over speechless. There were a lot of questions in my mind that needs time to be answered but I didn’t give even a little care about it. I have no time to search for an answer. I remembered myself writing in a journal during my elementary days: my ambition is to become a painter someday. Not knowing about any painting skills for as long as it’s all about colors and art. I was referring to an artist perhaps like Michelangelo or Leonardo da Vinci. I don’t know why I got into a situation where I want to become something I had never encountered even once. I am no longer into correcting my grammars because I am a Filipino and I don’t want to be perfectly good in English. I started to read some books about life, about anger, about love and obsession. This entry will be the last entry of my eighteenth year. I am composing this not just for fun and remembrance but because it gives me space and express what I feel deep within. I should stop writing about my love life’s experiences. Its way too over expressive and it is already annoying to those who read my entry. Life is the most important to me now and it’s no longer love. I realize, I can barely live life to the fullest and live without love. After all the heartaches I had, I began to see who really needs me, I found a girl in pain. I asked her, “Did he gave life to you for you to give it back after he leaves you?”, she answered me with a stupid line “he gave happiness to me, the emotion I had never ever felt with anybody, now that he leaves.. Happiness has left me too.” I was completely embarrassed when I found myself looking into a mirror, crying. But suddenly I was destructed with a light and began to think why am I crying over someone who doesn’t deserve a teardrop from me? That’s too rude. I closed my eyes and think again about existence. What is the purpose of life anyway? My mistake is that I keep thinking about love and emotions that is why it helped me improve my sensitivity.

I find it easy to understand life now. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I can survive living alone, with friends, with new boyfriends. Thus, first love never dies. I was thankful about the love I experienced with the guy I was obsessed of for giving me too much learning and knowledge about showing the “too much” part of a relationship. Therefore, I conclude, obsession is a crime. I remembered reading something similar on the internet; I got it from the book entitled “zahir” by Paulo Coelho. It was attributed to me, although I didn’t write it:
That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, and don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.
My love isn’t here. He reached a point where he could go on further in the process of emptying himself of unhappiness and allowing joy to flow in. Why? Because his story, like that of millions of other people, is bound up with the energy of love. It can’t evolve on its own: he must either stop loving or wait until his beloved comes to him. My love is with somebody else’s arms now and I just have to accept it heartily. Though, It hurts me so much seeing him with somebody else , it sounds fair… I got a new boyfriend, he got his lucky girlfriend and that matters to me now. We’re back to being good friends but at this moment it’s “love over friendship”. I am unhappy but someday I will.
I want to declare to everybody that I am now free. Free from the pain and the past. I want to share to everybody that I realize life. My reflection tells me to be happy because I deserve to and I have to let go of the past and start over again.

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